Finding Someone Who Likes Me

By Joana

Ever since I was little, I was always looking for approval and recognition from others. It started in kindergarten. I remember some of my friends telling me that it wasn’t fun to play with me. So I started to feel really sad about what they said to me, which made them play with me even less. I ended up feeling really inferior and not accepted by my peers.

I tried so hard to fit in: Behaving the best I could, trying not to offend anyone by being quiet most of the time, and constantly following what others liked and the things they did. It made me lose touch with who I really was. I was just trying to be liked. I was just trying to find someone who would like me and approve of me.

As I got older, having boyfriends and partners temporarily satisfied this need to be liked. But then even with them I constantly wondered if I was good enough or worthy of being liked by them. So even though they told me so, my search for true approval wasn’t fulfilled.

After learning about meditation and practicing it for almost 5 years, I can clearly see that I was making up this story in my mind. A story about how others saw me or how they would like me. It wasn’t about them; it was all about me. I imposed my own standards, preferences, and approvals on myself. It was me that fed my own insecurities and believed in my own inferiority.

Through meditation I could now see that I always felt uncomfortable trying to be liked because I ended up trying to live up to some illusory standards that I thought others would approve of. I actually felt uncomfortable because I made my own standards for myself and I didn’t even meet my standards – I couldn’t, because even they were illusory – so I didn’t like myself. I accepted that only I could approve of myself or my mind. I gave up the idea that others would like me for who I tried to be but also who would fully accept me for me? Would anyone really find me attractive with all the insecurities I was carrying?

In meditation I found that only after letting go of all the false conceptions I held that attractiveness only comes from a pure mind. The pure mind simply exists without trying to be anything or anyone. It’s the mind without self. This is a truly attractive mind that makes me feel free of all my worries about someone liking me.

Possessing a self or trying to have something that others might like, whether it be beauty or some special talent, began to seem foolish to me – why should anyone recognize what I have? My view could never match perfectly with other people’s views or preferences, and they don’t have to. To have something, be it the self, an appearance, or a talent, is just an image I create in my mind, something temporary that can be lost and will even disappear. Only I put standards and the sense of self in my mind. So, I created them, I can let go of them and be free of all that. Meditation is the way to do that and to know that.

After years of thinking I had to be liked by someone and trying to be special to satisfy that need for validation, I’ve come to realize through meditation that I need to acknowledge that I am the one creating and holding onto what I think are the standards and preferences of others. Only when I acknowledge this and let go can I become happy and fulfilled.

Whatever I have, be it a talent, a way of behaving, a way of looking, or even my idea of self, I have to let it go. Everything is always changing, but if I am attached to a fixed frame of reference, I cannot accept change. That only makes the world and myself have to fit into that fixed frame. After letting go with meditation, I can go beyond those frames and change along with the world. I can find my true self, which is as big as the infinite universe and accepting in a way my old mind could never have imagined.

It is a journey that continues and unfolds every day. Finding the true self, beyond all standards, expectations, and preferences, is the greatest joy in life. May we all have the courage to discard the illusions and find our true selves.